Friday, 19 September 2014
Zara's Diary 4
For Zara's diary 3
Zara was doing everything to help her relationship grow, at least that is what she believed. She was spending more time than she usually would at Femi's. Somehow she believed the relationship would work better at way. She was practically living with him. The relationship did not seem to get better. Zara was frustrated and so was Femi. There were no butterflies. Just two people living in the same house, enduring the other's company. Zara wanted more though. Remember this is Zara's diary, so this is her side of the story. It may be that Femi was giving his all too or believed he was.
One day, Zara went through Femi's phone. It wasn't a habit for her, but once in 3 months or so, she picked up his phone and just went through it. This time she saw something, something she didn't like. In reality it wouldn't be the first time she had seen something like this. She had warned him before that she was not comfortable with a certain female friend of his. So he withdrew but now, the chats showed that they had in recent times been communicating frequently, with 'I Miss you' being one of the messages from the friend to Femi.
Zara was furious, about the text and more. She was giving everything, EVERYTHING she had to make them work and what was he doing? Forming bonds with someone else, maybe more than one someone else. There was nothing to suggest Femi had or was cheating on Zara but there was an air around him. It smelt like him not doing anything to resist the flirtation from other ladies. He may not have accepted it with open arms but he certainly hadn't rejected it and that was the final straw for Zara.
That evening they were in Femi's sitting room, he was playing a game on his PS3. Zara couldn't bear to see him enjoy himself any more, so she started with the questioning. "Why are you still talking to Emem? Why does she miss you or the time you had together? Why aren't you putting her in her place?" To Zara's surprise, Femi just smiled. The kind of smile that sends anger down your spine. "I am talking to you about something serious and you are laughing?" In anger Zara did what she shouldn't have. Though she was in the right, but this moment changed the course of their relationship.
It was 6am, Fantasia was in school in The Netherlands. She was looking forward to being called Dr. Fantasia in the next 1 year, by God's grace. When she woke up, she had 5 missed calls from Zara. Her phone was on silent, so she did not hear it ring. She was wondering what was so urgent and called Zara back. Zara said she had broken up with Femi, didn't know who to talk to, couldn't go to her house but felt like talking to someone may help her.
About 6 months ago, Fantasia's elder sister had celebrated her 30th birthday. She wanted to give her sister a birthday cake but she was in Europe and her sister was in Kaduna. So Fantasia sent money to Zara and she helped deliver the cake to Fantasia's sister. Fantasia and Zara hadn't met yet but this act of kindness brought them closer. Zara had in fact become family friends with Lucy - Fantasia's sister and her family.
Fantasia suggested Zara go stay with Lucy till she felt stronger. Zara narrated the whole story to Fantasia, later that evening over Skype. Zara got angry at the smirk and smile on Femi's face. So she tossed an empty vase, in anger. She hoped the vase will just hit the wall and break. The wall she was aiming for was behind Femi, but she didn't aim well, because the Vase hit Femi. It was a mistake, she was not hoping to hit him, but in that moment she did not feel sorry for him. As far as Femi was concerned though, he was her target. He however did not react physically but he ordered Zara to leave his house. She apologized but that was the end for him. Maybe Femi was doing wrong in many other ways but Fantasia let Zara know that, that last act was a major bruise to Femi's ego. It may have been better if she simply walked out of the relationship.
Zara admitted she was wrong, it was all the emotions welling up inside her. Femi didn't bother calling her for a month and Zara would evaluate her decisions for that month. She would play 'Stay with me - by Sam Smith' and other songs, because she hoped that Femi would come to her again, she tried pinging him in between but he wouldn't say much. He'd respond, but nothing intimate. Something else may have caused the relationship to go so south. Yes she hit him. Yes they had their problems but she hoped the love they had for each other could withstand all of these. She would later find out from a mutual friend that the fact that she wasn't from the same state as Femi may have added to their problems and eventual breakup.
Femi's parents had never told him outright that they didn't want a girl from outside their tribe, but he could tell from their look when he talked about her and when they met her, that they wanted more. In fact they made comments every now and then that left Femi, with no doubt that his parents wanted a Yoruba girl. Zara was Igbo. She was a far cry, from the mold. This perhaps is why Femi never bothered to fix the relationship. To him he was doing Zara a favor because for the rest of her life, if they got married she would have to prove herself to his family. His parents didn't know her but Femi did. He should have done ALL he could to make them love her. This was Zara's feeling. To Femi however, he had done what he considered his all.
When Zara spoke to her friend, they had decided a number of reasons were responsible for the gradual death and abrupt end of her relationship. Zara knew no one in Kaduna, she left the life she was used to and moved down, and for what? She decided never again would she move down for any man unless she was married to him. She had also spent too many nights in his house, something that could have brought about 'see finish' - too much familiarity. Another thing Zara had learned was to use her words not her hands in anger, She also learnt restrain and the ability to walk out of the kitchen when it is too hot.
Waiting for Femi was getting her nowhere in her healing process. So Zara turned to good friends and God. In time she thought to herself 'I'll be fine'. Zara needed a break, She had never surrounded herself with a man this way and she'd never moved to any town because of another human being. So she applied for a Masters in Human Resource Management abroad and off she went. Over the years, she and Femi, would chat, once in maybe 6 months, nothing personal, just to seem civil. She never regretted joining HOX though, for there she had a strong support system through out the break up and there she made friendships that would last a lifetime.
And so Zara closed the page of her diary. It was the morning of her dissertation presentation. She had done well for herself and moved on with her life. Maybe sometime in the future, just maybe she may open her diary to share, again.